- Publish Date
- Wednesday, 9 August 2017, 9:18AM
Good things come to those who feel good…
If you are the owner of a vagina or are lucky enough to have regular access to one, I hope said vagina is having frequent orgasms. I believe that it is a woman’s birthright to have earth shattering, whole-body shaking, screaming orgasms. On a regular basis.
Sadly, many women haven’t yet actualized their sexual potential. As a hypnotherapist, I see women every week in my office, telling me about how they can’t have an orgasm through penetrative sex when they are with a partner or have never even had an orgasm. I know that this represents only a small number of the seriously under-pleasured women out there. I believe this is an epidemic of horrific proportions and women need to be empowered to own their pleasure and, in turn, their orgasms.
Women’s bodies possess a clitoris, an organ that has 8,000 nerve endings dedicated to pleasure. 8,000! The head of the penis only has half of that. Women’s bodies are meant for pleasure and their capacity for orgasms are far greater than men’s.
They estimate only 25% of women can have an orgasm from penetrative sex alone, which some scientists now believe is due to where the clitoris is placed. Women who can orgasm through penetrative sex without direct clitoral stimulation tend to have a clitoris that is set lower and, therefore, receives more stimulation during sex.
Most studies show that men orgasm on average 90-95% of the time during sex, whereas women are orgasming on average 50-60% percent of the time.
However, if you ask men how often their partner is having orgasms, they answer 85% percent of the time. So, either some men can’t tell if a woman has had an orgasm, or women are faking it…
Unfortunately, from my own experience and from what women tell me, I think a lot of women are faking it. This needs to stop, like now. You will never teach someone how to make you scream, if you are putting on an Oscar-winning performance. I believe porn and movies like “50 Shades of Grey” have a lot to answer for, as well. These types of movies are making men think women need hardly any foreplay. Also, they are making women feel inadequate, for not having instant orgasms from being thrown on the bed and a minute of vigorous thrusting.
Men think that since penetration feels so good for them, it must feel as just as good for women. Expecting a woman to orgasm through penetration alone, is like expecting a man to orgasm by only touching his testicles and the base of his penis. Some men could do it, but not many.
When I ask women what stops them from having orgasms, the most common answers are: not being able to let go, not feeling confident with their body, not enough foreplay, not enough clitoral stimulation or not the right kind of clitoral stimulation.
Notice how they are not saying anything about penis size or how long a man lasts in bed?
So, how can you have more orgasms, better orgasms or have orgasms at all?
- Learn to love your body and most importantly your vagina, pussy, who-ha, vajayjay, punani or whatever you want to call it. If referring to your genitalia freaks you out, you have some work to do, sweetheart.
Women have been made to feel ashamed of their genitals, the source of all life. I believe as a woman, when you love, accept and embrace this part of your body, you will claim not only your sexual potential but your true source of power. Complement this part of you, tell her she is amazing, beautiful and delicious. She's starved for it. When you connect with this part of you, you will feel your confidence and charisma grow. And men, one of the best things you can do for your partner is tell her how much you love this part of her.
- Learn what you like. Do you know exactly what works for you sexually? Do you tell and show your partner what works for you?
Most women are initially so worried about their bodies and how they look in bed, that they are not able to relax and let go of their inhibitions sexually. If you don’t know what you like, how can you teach someone else what does it for you? Take the time to explore your body and what type of touch works for you.
It is also important to give your partner signals with what’s working and what’s not, by how you respond to what they are doing. We tend to develop patterns with how we respond sexually to our partners, with how much we talk and guide our partners to do what feels good for us. It can be hard to change this dynamic in a relationship, since many of us don’t want to “ruin the mood” or risk offending our partners. Here’s the thing, men are dying to get us off! I have yet to meet a man who didn’t care whether or not he was pleasing his partner.
Deep breathing also helps. Women tend to hold their breath or breathe shallowly which can inhibit orgasm.
Tell your partner what feels good for you with moans and words of encouragement and don’t respond when it’s not working. If you are in pain, let them know immediately!
- Try saying “It feels amazing when you do _______.”
- Placing someone’s hand over yours, while you touch yourself is a great way to teach them what you like.
- Ask them what they like. Tell them you want to please them. Saying “How about I go down on you, try different things and you tell me what’s just okay, what’s better and what’s amazing?” This opens up the conversation for them to ask you what you like as well.
Having an orgasm can be like trying to remember a name. The harder you try, the more it alludes you. Once you relax and stop trying so hard it suddenly comes to you.
- If you are trying to help a woman have an orgasm, tell them “‘It doesn’t matter if you have an orgasm or not, let’s just have fun. I love touching you and giving you pleasure. Just relax and let me do this for you.”
Taking the pressure to have an orgasm off really helps a woman relax and let go.
- If you have never had an orgasm or have trouble having an orgasm with a partner, buy a vibrator. I cannot stress this enough.
A bullet vibrator is good and a plugin magic wand is guaranteed to work. A lot of women find using a bullet vibrator on their clitoris during sex makes a huge difference. The vibrator was actually invented by a doctor to treat women’s “hysteria.” Look it up. For hundreds of years, doctors believed many women suffered from a condition called hysteria caused by a wondering womb. They complained to doctors of anxiety, anger, erotic fantasies, insomnia, irritability, a feeling of heaviness in the pelvic area, and wetness between the legs.
Basically, they were a bunch of sexually frustrated women. The treatment was to be given a pelvic massage by your doctor to stimulate a “hysterical paroxysm" essentially, an orgasm, which supposedly restored the woman back to health.
Giving pelvic massages was a routine part of a doctor’s day, however, as the medical journals of the time document, it was boring, exhausting and time consuming work. Hence the vibrator was invented and almost every western doctor had one in his office. Once the personal vibrator was invented, women could treat their hysteria in their own home and it ceased to be a medical condition.
Taking ownership of your sexual satisfaction is one of the most empowering things you can do. There is nothing wrong with your body or your sexual desires. Learn to release the shame that is holding you back with your body and sexuality. There are so many great resources, books, coaches and therapists out there that can help you do it and in turn transform all areas of your life. It’s so ohhhhooooo yes, worth it.
Check out these websites and books to get you started.
- Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski Ph.D
- Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts: Using the Power of Pleasure to Have Your Way with the World by Regena Thomashauer
- Pussy: A Reclamation by Regena Thomashauer
Caroline Cranshaw is a hypnotherapist, life coach and the author of The Smoking Cure. Find out more about her at nzhypnotherapy.co.nz