Caroline Cranshaw: What's holding you back from having amazing sex?

Publish Date: Thursday, 5 October 2017, 1:30PM

Sex. It’s something we are all fascinated with, and it's one of the most significant sources of embarrassment and frustrations in our lives. If we are all so obsessed with it, why are we lacking confidence in the bedroom and what’s getting in the way of having great sex?

It’s not surprising we have so many issues with sex as we are constantly inundated with so many mixed messages around sex. If you are open about loving sex, you’re a slut, but if you’re not comfortable or have issues with sex, you’re an uptight prude. Be sexy, but not too sexy or else you’re asking for it and deserve what you get. We have huge double standards for men and women, and it’s no wonder a lot of people are all stressed out about their sex life - no matter where you feel you lie on the scale.

After working with thousands of clients with helping them to improve their sex lives, I have found several common reasons apply when people feel blocked in being able to let go in the bedroom and have the sex they desire. Here are two of the most common causes I come across.

1. You are afraid of being judged

You can’t have outrageous, earth-shattering, screaming orgasms if you are worried about how you might look. Incredible sex is about letting go and surrendering to pleasure, and it’s hard to let go if you are worried about if your tummy is jiggling or if your genitals are porn standard.

The best sex is when two people let down their guards to be completely vulnerable with each other. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is sexier than being totally and authentically present with someone.

Learning how to be vulnerable involves many things including being able to express your emotions honestly, taking responsibility, being open and accepting of your faults, releasing the need to be perfect and letting go of the belief that you are not enough. The list goes on.

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The more you learn to be vulnerable in all aspects of your life, the more it transfers into your sex life. Being vulnerable is what takes sex from mediocre to the sublime, physical to the transcendent. The more you remove the mask you try to hide behind and show up as the raw, open, authentic version of you, the better your sex life will be. It’s that simple.

Embracing all aspects of your personality and being open to your weaknesses is the key to vulnerability and in turn become your most powerful, authentic and sexy self. My favourite book on this topic is Dark Side Of the Light Chasers By Debbie Ford.

2. We are too masculine or feminine

Porn is screwing up our sex lives, but there is something important we can learn from it. Porn understands the polarity of male and female energy. We need to learn about masculine/feminine energy and how in every relationship, gay or straight, this dynamic is played out.

Every person has both feminine and masculine energy. Women tend to have more feminine energy and men tend to have more masculine energy. However, some women have more masculine energy just like some men are more feminine in nature, this energy is not gender based. As women gained more independence, we took on more masculine energy. This is great for a woman’s career and her ability to succeed in the world, but it’s screwing up our relationships and our sex lives.

In any relationship where there’s sexual attraction and deep connection — you’ll find the power of opposite energies or polarity at work. We tend to have sexual chemistry with people who have an opposing energy to our own. Feminine energy is very open and receptive. It’s pleasure-focused and creative. Masculine energy is single-minded, task orientated and giving in nature. Feminine energy needs to feel wanted, and masculine energy wants to feel needed. Feminine energy is about being; masculine energy is about doing.

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For a relationship to work, you need to have things in common. But for the relationship to be passionate, you need to have things that are different. And by that, I mean different energy and interests – not different beliefs or values. This is what creates sexual attraction. So, if you have more dominant feminine energy, then you will find things in common with others with feminine energy, but you will find sexual desire and chemistry with masculine energy.

When most people are under-pressure or overwhelmed, they go into the opposite energy. Most women, for instance, when feeling stressed, will switch to a masculine energy as a defence mechanism. When this happens, they tend to criticise and try to control, and all sexual chemistry dissipates.

To complicate matters, if you are with someone with dominate masculine energy, this will cause conflict and disconnection. Or the masculine partner goes into feminine energy, shutting down and being passive or overly emotional, causing the female partner to feel ignored, not understood or unsafe.

A lot of women today are leading with masculine energy in their relationships, and this causes masculine men to be turned off and not interested. Or they attract feminine energy men who want the woman to lead. Now if this works for you, that’s fine. But every day, I have another woman in my office complaining about how men aren’t stepping up and being the alpha male they want. If you want your partner to "step up and be a man," you need to sit back and let them take the lead.

When I first learned about male and female energy in relationships, it pissed me off. My initial reaction was "That’s bullsh*t! Am I supposed to be some surrendered, doormat that lets men control me? No thanks." However, I was single at the time and I kept attracting very feminine beta males that wanted me to take the lead and I had zero physical chemistry with. I realised that I was leading with masculine energy with men and as a result was attracting the exact opposite type of man I wanted.

So, how can you stay in the energy that nourishes you and keeps the chemistry going?

If you identify with feminine energy, try to bring that energy into your relationship. Allow your more masculine partner to take the lead; it’s incredible what can shift in a relationship when you lean back and give your partner the opportunity to step up. It also allows for the magic of polarity to ignite some sparks.

Do not try to control or criticise, and stop over-functioning in the relationship. If you do everything for him, you will feel like his mother – and men do not want to sleep with their mothers! Spend time with other women and learn to just be. Meditation, guided visualisations, doing something creative are all ways you can connect with your feminine energy.

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If you identify with masculine energy, take the lead in planning time together with your partner. Spend time bonding with other men. Or try boxing or a vigorous workout with heavy weights and body weight exercises to increase your masculine energy quicker than almost anything else.

Intense exercise gives you a boost of testosterone, an endorphin rush, and increases your pheromone production which will increase your sexual attractiveness. It’s also good for your confidence, sex drive, and wellbeing.

Connecting with your dominant energy is the fastest way I know to increase your sexual attractiveness, intensify your sexual encounters, and bring back the spark in your relationships.

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Caroline Cranshaw is a hypnotherapist & life coach based in Auckland and the author of The Smoking Cure. Find out more about her at nzhypnotherapy.co.nz

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