The 10 things new parents will no longer be able to do

Publish Date
Thursday, 27 July 2017, 11:04AM

A woman has shared a hilarious list of all the things she doesn't have time for since becoming a parent - and it will have any new mother in hysterics.

The list, penned by journalist, author and mother-of-one Emma Bartley, includes eyebrow plucking, hot drinks and conversations with her husband among the daily rituals that have passed her by since becoming a parent.

Every new parent will relate to this...

1. Hot drinks: If you're lucky, you'll manage a swig while it's still lukewarm.

▾ Advertising ▾

2. The toilet: You might think you've got stress incontinence because your pelvic floor is weaker. In fact, it's because you drink coffee for nine hours straight and don't even think about going to the loo until you're having a sneezing fit at a pedestrian crossing and - oops - it's too late.

3. Conflict resolution: If you see my husband, tell him I'm not speaking to him.

4. Waxing: Continuing on current trajectories, my bikini line will meet my fringe some time in the next two weeks.

5. Finishing conversations: 'So I opened the door and there was Brad Pitt, wearing only his swimming trunks and asking if I had any - RUFUS! GET DOWN FROM THE DRINKS CABINET!'

6. A nice bath: Baths run by me since the birth of my daughter: 427. Baths taken by me: 0. (I once tried getting in with the baby, but she immediately took a dump. I got the message.)

7. Pedicures: You might not want to take your shoes off for a year or so. Recently, I changed my toenail polish while my friend Corina was over and the nail on my big toe actually came off (turns out, fungal infections are a common side effect of pregnancy). "Oh my God," said Corina, rushing out of the room and vomiting into her mouth. "I wasn't prepared for that."

8. The truth: Look, I don't lie... but does Daddy really need to know about the parking ticket I forgot to pay, the forbidden chocolate biscuit I gave the baby at lunch, the fact that I let her explore under the tables in a beer garden and she returned to present me with a cigarette butt? (I'm not making this s*** up, by the way. That's just the list from the past three days.)

9. Showers: Improbable but true. I cunningly organised a 9am nap so I could shower while my newborn slept, but my friend Vicky had to be taken aside BY HER OWN MOTHER and informed that she smelled of BO.

10. The Pill: Which should be fine, except that sometimes you do find time for sex. And so it all begins again...


This article was first published on and is republished here with permission.