These days, everyone wants to be sexy.
Women obsess over how to have better breasts, lips, and hips while at the same time, achieving a tiny waist, lush lashes and long luxurious hair. Men feel like they need to be over 6 foot, have under 10 percent body fat with rippling muscles, while making six figures plus to get a second look. There's the obvious advice like eating healthily and exercising, having good hygiene, and for women: wearing a bit of makeup, formfitting clothes and heels.
While it doesn’t hurt to have those assets and maintain healthy habits to add to your sex appeal, I feel like most people are focusing on the wrong things when it comes to what makes someone truly sexy.
When you feel sexy, you act sexy and sexiness starts with your mindset.
I remember as a teenager Bill Clinton coming and doing a talk in my hometown. Every woman I talked to who had heard him speak, went on and on about how sexy he was. How there was something about him that made them want to drop their panties on the spot. They all went on about how fascinating, kind and intelligent he seemed, and that while they didn't find him traditionally handsome, he was the sexiest man they had ever come across. Bill is a great example that sexiness is less about how you look and more about a combination of factors that cause you to radiate a sexual charisma from within.
Here are my top tips for becoming sexier without changing your appearance
1. Slow down
Watch any movie star that’s considered sexy from any time in history, and I guarantee they will never seem in a hurry. Sex symbols walk as if they have all the time in the world and they draw out what they have to say, which keeps you hanging on every word.
2. Tap into someone else’s sexiness
This is one of my favourite techniques. Think of someone who is sexy in a way you would like to be. It can be someone you know or it can someone famous you admire. Imagine stepping into their body and feeling how you would feel if you were sexy like them. How would you walk, talk and hold yourself if you were that person? This gives your subconscious mind instructions on how to be sexy. Visualising yourself as a sexy, confident person helps to reprogram the subconscious into believing you are sexy
Think of people, for instance, like Beyonce, Marilyn Monroe, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Gosling, George Clooney. Now I’m not saying you need to start acting like an entirely different person. However, that’s why a lot of actors get into acting since they wanted to learn how to act more self-assured and be seen as sexy. Pretending as if you are someone who has an aura of sexiness helps you to develop the skill of being confident which is something that most of us need to learn.
3. Have a sense of humour
Funny is sexy, and there is nothing sexier than someone who can laugh at themselves and doesn’t take the world too seriously. Life is funny, even in our most tragic moments. The more you embrace your sense of humour and your ability to laugh, the more you emanate a charisma that people want to be around. Don’t be afraid to let yourself go and laugh. A sense of humour gives you a glint in the eye that is incredibly sexy.
4. Stand up straight
There is nothing sexy about slouching. Good posture always conveys confidence. Also, if you're a woman, walk with your hips. If you don't know what I mean, google videos of Naomi Campbell walking. It doesn't matter what size you are, standing up straight and walking with confidence always adds to your sex appeal.
One thing I notice when going out where there are lots of people is how many women sit there, looking bored with a resting bitch face. Even the most stunning woman can make herself look unattractive if she has a grumpy expression. When you smile people instantly perceive you as more attractive, trustworthy and intelligent.
I can't count how many dates I went on with men who I initially found attractive but as the date went on, my perception of how appealing I found them went down to zero. And one of the main reasons why I stopped finding them attractive was all they did was talk about themselves. Someone droning on about how amazing they are, and talking about nothing but themselves is boring. Talking about yourself all night is a guaranteed way to turn the other person off. Make sure you're showing interest in others by asking questions and engaging in two-way conversations.
7. Read and have interests
Having something interesting to talk about will always make you more attractive. Our biggest sex organ is our brain and this is where our sexual desire initially originates. One of the most common complaints I hear of why people don't find someone attractive is that they have nothing interesting to say. Read books, follow news stories, have interests, learn about politics, know what's going on in the world and have an opinion.
And no, scrolling Facebook and Instagram doesn't count. Talking about your latest diet and work out regime or your favourite celebrity is probably not going to be interesting for other people. Intelligence is sexy, and the more you read, learn about the world, and have things you are passionate about, the more intelligent and fascinating you will be.
8. Be kind
Talking badly about others, making fun of people, being rude or cruel will instantly make you look unattractive no matter how physically gorgeous you are. Having a bad attitude will cause people to see you in a negative light. Part of being sexy is exuding a charisma that people are drawn to and want to be around which is something that comes from what type of person you are, not your exterior.
9. Most importantly, LOVE YOURSELF
Loving and accepting yourself and feeling comfortable in your own skin is one of the sexiest traits you can have. It's hard to feel sexy when you have negative, judgmental thoughts running through your head. When you love and accept yourself, people subconsciously feel like you will accept them too.
Which in turn, makes them want to be around you because they feel good in your presence. Sexiness starts in the mind and is something you choose to be. Allow yourself to feel turned on and allow that energy to radiate through you, and I guarantee other people will find you sexy too.
Caroline Cranshaw is a hypnotherapist, founder and trainer at the New Zealand Integrative Hypnotherapy Training Institute and the author of The Smoking Cure. Find out more about her at nzhypnotherapy.co.nz