- Publish Date
- Wednesday, 9 August 2017, 9:29AM
Men’s orgasms. As statistics show, men seem to have a lot less of an issue with achieving an orgasm than women. However, much of the pressure to perform in bed tends to lay on the man. When a man has issues with his favourite appendage, it rocks him to his very core. Here are the two most common sexual issues men experience, and some tips to sort it out.
- Premature ejaculation
Do you wish you could last longer in bed? This is the most common sexual issue that I address with my male clients… Premature ejaculation. The average length of time that a man lasts in bed is just under five minutes. It’s considered premature if the man ejaculates within two minutes of the start of sexual stimulation. Most men believe the average is much longer since they are comparing themselves to porn stars. It’s estimated that PE affects one-third of men at some point in their lives. It’s also the most common sexual dysfunction in men under 40.
A quick climax is to be expected with younger men, and if a man continues to experience the issue as he gets older, I find the underlying cause to usually be created by one of two reasons or a combination of both. Either the man has trained himself to orgasm quickly with how he masturbates, or it has become a phobia, an anxiety response that happens automatically when he is with a partner.
Most boys, when they discover the joys of masturbation aren’t able to take their time and enjoy themselves. They are trying to rub one out as fast as they can so they don’t get caught, which creates a pattern of the body learning to orgasm as quickly as possible. This can be hard to unlearn once you become sexually active.
In regards to premature ejaculation being a phobia, when a man is with a new partner he may worry that he will come too soon, and then his body does exactly what he is afraid of. Or it happens once or twice, maybe his partner doesn’t react in an understanding way, and the poor guy becomes anxious it’s going to happen again.
- Erectile dysfunction
Is your penis letting you down? Erectile dysfunction or ED, when a man loses his erection used to be considered an issue that mostly affected older men, but now I’m seeing men as young as 19 with the problem. ED can be a physical or psychological issue. In younger men, I believe the most common cause is watching porn. Or it has become a phobia or conditioned response, just as with premature ejaculation.
ED can also be caused in men of all ages by stress, alcohol, drugs, health issues like diabetes, low-testosterone, high blood pressure, medication, smoking, being overweight, heart disease and even gum disease. Lots of guys know their lifestyle isn’t healthy, but it’s not until it begins to cause issues with their sex life that they will do something about it. Your penis is like a gauge for what’s going on in your life and with your health, it can tell you a lot about what’s happening mentally and physically.
So, what can you do to overcome these issues?
- Change your mindset.
Issues with premature ejaculation, inability to have an orgasm and erectile dysfunction, absolutely can be linked to anxiety, insecurity, phobias and trust issues. If you keep picturing it happening this will create a program in the subconscious. The subconscious can’t tell that this is the last thing you want to happen. It becomes a glitch in your software. You want to update the software causing the issue so you can put a new program into the subconscious.
Find a therapist who knows how to get rid of phobias quickly and who can help you change the issues in the subconscious. The fast phobia cure or rewind technique works great for sexual issues. Here’s one on YouTube you can watch for free. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDFzhGH-txk&t=1s
- Go on a porn diet.
Porn is like junk food for your brain. No nutritional value and overstimulating. When you are with a partner in real life after watching a lot of porn, your brain perceives the experience as boring and bland. Your brain either tries to get the experience over quickly or doesn’t find it stimulating enough to maintain or even create an erection.
When you get sexually excited, one of the first reactions your brain has is to release the chemical dopamine, which helps to send signals to your prostate to trigger an erection. When you watch porn, which is very visually stimulating, your brain releases large amounts of dopamine. Dopamine is a reward neurotransmitter, and is the same chemical that’s released when you eat sugar or use cocaine, making it highly addictive.
If you watch porn every day over a period of time, your body does what it can to cope with the large amounts of dopamine that’s being released by killing off the dopamine receptors. Your body doesn’t perceive the dopamine that’s being released, so it’s like sending a very weak amount of electrical energy that’s not going to charge you up. This situation is as if you took an appliance that was meant to run on 240 volts, and plugged it into an outlet with 120 volts. It isn't exactly going to power up to full capacity…
- Stop masturbating quickly and draw the experience out.
It’s completely understandable of why men learned to masturbate as fast as they could, so they wouldn’t get caught. But, if you want to last longer in bed, you need to learn to take your time. Bringing yourself close to the edge and then allowing that feeling to fall back to a medium level of arousal and then building it back up several times, helps to train your body to feel highly aroused without perceiving that feeling as a signal to orgasm as quickly as possible. A penis massage with coconut oil, either by you or your partner is great for stimulating the muscles, strengthening erections and building self-control. If you feel like you are going to ejaculate too quickly, squeeze just below the head of the penis while simultaneously relaxing the muscles around the base of the penis. Take some deep breaths and relax your body, rather than contracting which helps trigger an orgasm.
- Strengthen the muscles of your penis.
Women are told about the importance of strengthening their pelvic floor muscles (the muscles that start and stop the flow of urine) and doing kegel exercises (flexing and holding those muscles), however, they are just as important in sexual function in men. The stronger those muscles are the better self-control and harder erections you can have. The penis itself is made up of 30-60% (depending on the person) of smooth muscle tissue. So, as muscle tissue, it can be developed and strengthened by how you use it.
Contracting those muscles and holding them, (starting with eight reps, up to three sets, every other day), will do wonders for your self-control not to mention, harder and stronger erections. If you want to take it up to the next level, add weight to the exercise by hanging a hand towel or a wet face/wash cloth over your semi-hard penis while flexing the muscle.
- Try taking supplements.
If you are orgasming too quickly, I find taking 100-200 mgs of 5-HTP and 400 mg of magnesium citrate an hour or two before sex really helps men last longer. If you are having issues with maintaining an erection, 3000 mgs of L-arginine an hour or two before sex works like a natural Viagra. * Warning: Do not take L-Arginine if you have the herpes virus or take 5-HTP if you are taking antidepressants.
- Listen to what your penis is trying to tell you.
I find sometimes your penis is trying to tell you something that you are trying to ignore. I can’t count how many male clients I’ve had with sexual issues that tell me it all started when they had a partner cheat on them, even if they didn’t know it at the time. The cause could be that, deep down, they want to leave their relationship but are afraid to do it. Or it could be that they are trying to have sex with partners that they know aren’t right for them.
Maybe you’re not taking care of yourself, eating like crap, smoking, drinking too much or using drugs. You could have an underlying health issue you are not aware of. See a therapist, sex coach or doctor and face up to what you are trying to ignore, it could save your life as well as improve your level of happiness.
- And most importantly, focus on your partner, not your penis.
I think it’s important to remember that no matter what’s happening with your penis if you are concerned with your partner’s pleasure, they will be a lot more understanding. People almost never complain about to me about the fact that their male partner is having sexual issues. They complain about their partner not being concerned with meeting their needs. So, while you are sorting out the issues with your penis, make sure your partner is sexually satisfied in other ways. That, in my eyes, is what makes a man, not whether or not your penis is behaving how you want it to.
Caroline Cranshaw is a hypnotherapist, life coach and the author of The Smoking Cure. Find out more about her at nzhypnotherapy.co.nz