- Publish Date
- Thursday, 13 July 2017, 12:42PM
Get clear about what you want
Make a list and be very specific. Try to name 50+ things. My personal list when I was finding a partner had a 102 items. Figure out what kind of relationship you want, and what type of person you want to have a relationship with. Be really clear about the fact you are ready for a relationship. Say it out loud to yourself. "I am ready for a relationship!" I like the mantra “The perfect partner is already picked, and I’ll meet them at the perfect time.”
Clean out the clutter from your past relationships
Get rid of traces of ex-partners, like jewellery, gifts, texts, emails even contacts on your phone. The universe likes a vacuum. If there is a bunch of crap in the way, it’s harder for something new to come in. You’ve got to feng shui your love life. It's just like cleaning out the fridge of all the old jars and containers of food to make room for this week's fresh groceries.
Work on clearing any blocks you may have to finding love
Do you believe that you aren’t good enough on some level? Do you have beliefs about the opposite sex that are holding you back from finding the right partner? For example "all men will cheat," or "all women are crazy!" Our childhoods have a profound effect on our love lives.
Our unconscious mind causes us to seek out emotional situations that resemble our childhood or early adulthood circumstances, regardless of whether those experiences were negative or positive.
Photo / Getty Images
Here is a little equation to show how it works. If your home environment was abusive then Home/Love=Fear/Abuse, if your home was drama and chaos then Home/Love=Drama/Chaos, if your home was critical and cold then Home/Love= Critical/Cold.
If your home was drama, you might attract partners that have addictions, crazy issues and lots of dramas. If your home was lonely and unkind, you may attract partners that ignore, withhold affection or criticise you. If your home caused you to feel afraid, you might attract partners that are emotionally or physically abusive.
If you keep seeing a pattern that is showing up in your relationships, ask yourself “In my childhood, Home (Love) was =______________________?”
For you, it may feel like love, to be uncomfortable in a relationship. In your subconscious, love and therefore sexual attraction is associated with the negative feelings that you grew up with. This is why nice, stable people may seem boring – it doesn’t feel like love.
Learn about Attachment Types in how people relate to intimacy in relationships
There are secure types and insecure types. 50% of the population is the secure attachment style, and they tend to be warm, loving, open and comfortable in romantic relationships. Insecure styles tend to get really anxious in relationships or push people away.
Ideally, you want to be with a secure type if you can. Once I learned about attachment types and discovered that I was an insecure type, I decided the next person I was going to have a relationship with needed to be a secure attachment style so that I could learn to be secure in relationships.
I have had a lot of experience in dating over the years and consider myself an expert at relationships and conflict resolution, but I cannot stress enough the importance of Attachment types as a way of giving yourself the best chance of being with the right person for you. I made every guy I went on a date with take an online test to see what attachment type they were. The first nine guys I had take the test were insecure types so I told them I couldn’t see them again. The 10th guy had the most secure attachment type score I had ever seen, he met all of my 102 specific points on my list, and he is now my fiancé.
Here is a link for an online test to see what attachment type you are, plus an article that will explain it more in-depth.
• Get your butt on some dating sites. The person of your dreams isn’t going to knock on your door; you need to go out and find them. I look at it like looking for a job. You don’t just drift through life hoping you will bump into the perfect job, or that someone will tell you about one they know of and might set you up…
• Be yourself. One of the biggest turnoffs for people is someone who is not authentic. Love and accept yourself and other people will too. No one deserves your love and acceptance more than you. Confidence is the sexiest quality there is. Pheromones are another field that is very interesting and is scientifically proven to trigger attraction.
• Be ruthless and don’t settle. Don’t date someone almost right, someone, you want to change. Everyone is going to have certain things that are annoying to you but if you can’t accept them as they are right now, move on. And don't settle for someone who doesn’t treat you with the respect you deserve! You teach people how to treat you; it's up to you to tell them what you will and won't put up with.
• Listen to what people tell you. Especially guys. If a man says that he is not looking for a relationship and doesn’t want children, believe what he is telling you. Women tend to hope a man is going to change his mind and we waste a lot of time on people that don’t want the same things we do.
• Conflict resolution. Identify what triggers you in a relationship, and what triggers your partner, to best deal with things when they crop up. Identify whether you need time, or space, a hug, or a cool down period, before you can both deal with issues less emotionally and more constructively. Avoid damaging comments that are hurtful to one another - imagine your neighbors or your mum is in the room, and avoid saying things that you may later regret.
• Get Help – We go to the doctor, the nutritionist, the personal trainer, yoga and are obsessed with looking after our bodies, but most of us ignore the most important part. Our mind needs to be healthy and looked after, as well, as it affects all aspects of our life.
If you are having relationship struggles that you believe stem from an insecure attachment or past trauma, one of the best things you can do go to a therapist or coach who is familiar with working with attachment issues. There are lots of books on the topic; as well as hypnosis mp3's online you can listen to, and EFT is another technique you can do yourself that's helpful. I changed my life and I am happier than I've ever been, by identifying my issues and healing them and in turn becoming secure in my relationship style.
Caroline Cranshaw is a hypnotherapist, life coach and the author of The Smoking Cure. Find out more about her at nzhypnotherapy.co.nz