The Bachelor is back, baby!
It's been four long years of waiting but TVNZ has finally locked down your new man crush, Moses Mackay, to charm us and more importantly 18 gorgeous gals.
As far as first impressions go, Moses had one so wholesome even I, a person who never cries, was near tears. Maybe it's the cheesy paddock walk, or maybe it is that Moses brought a house and gave it to his Mum and Dad saying, "This is our family home now. This is where we belong."
Whatever it was, the tissues were sitting pretty darn close to me by this point.
Mumma bear makes an appearance next and it's clear, her opinion is important. Better be on your A-game for the home visit, ladies.
Back at the mansion, Art comes on screen to remind us all that awkward moments make good TV so he and Moses kind of do but kind of don't high five and it's awkward for everyone.
"This is the moment, are you ready?," a well-groomed Art asked an equally well-groomed Moses.
"No – come back," says Moses - and me before every date.
Finally, the Bachelorettes arrive, and there are a lot of them. If Moses has a cheat sheet to remember their names, can he share it with me? I'm lost.
Here are the few that stood out:
Niki and her rose quartz, a perfect gift since our Bachelor himself is into stones. It's almost as if the universe crossed their paths.
Lou, I'm in love with her already. If Moses doesn't pick her, best believe I will be sneaking into her DMs. She is as wholesome as they come.
"She's fun, she's fun, I want to have her around longer because she makes me feel comfortable," says our adoring Bachelor.
Glad we are on the same page about this Moses.
Then there's Lana who brings Moses some Kombucha she hand made herself and while Moses was thankful, Art, a self-proclaimed "Buch connoisseur", couldn't have appeared quicker. If it hadn't of been for the cameras I'm quite certain he would have ripped it out of Moses' hands.
Then a brave Cayla jumps in the deep end and sings Moses a song, resulting in a "please no more" from Moses, Art, the whole crew and everyone watching at home.
Georgia steals the show with her pre-red carpet meltdown and refuses to leave the car. I immediately love her. However, Moses is concerned. But after deciding this is worse than cross country, she approaches the start line and finds out nothing is ever as bad as cross country.
Moses, bored of the formalities, hides in the bushes to add a bit of spice to these "hi", "hello", "how are yous?". He scares Kate who is just as confused as the rest of us and to make matters worse he doesn't even tell her he's the Bachelor, but as I said, awkward moments make for good TV.
Then Devaney reads a cringe-worthy poem and tells the camera that Moses immediately struck her as a gentleman and she's not wrong.
Before you know it, we are inside the mansion for a night of awkward mingling and sparkly eyes all aimed at our Bachelor.
Moses hands out his first impression rose to Niki before she steals the first kiss as a warning to the rest of the gals that she isn't here to play games. She and her rose quartz are here to win.
Devaney gained a rose for being the most vulnerable rose despite her cringe-worthy poem.
The rest of the Bachelorettes realise brunette seems to be Moses' type and eagle-eyed Georgia questions; "Maybe if I pierce my nose he will give me a rose?"
Cirrus opens up to Moses and after a cute heart to heart, he gives her a rose that might have been more of a curse than a blessing, because now she is dodging daggers inside the mansion.
Amanda, the real estate agent, sits in the hot seat beside Moses and while she might sell for a living, she isn't doing a very good job at selling her case for getting a rose.
I've never felt more secondhand embarrassment in my life. Between the "hey babe" and telling him she is only on the Bachelor because she didn't make the cut for the Bachelorette, I'm going to need Botox after how much cringing I did watching that disaster.
The first rose ceremony of the season takes place and our lover of tense situations and long pauses, Art, reveals four women will be going home.
I wonder if he is like this all the time? "Matilda, for dinner we will be having *10 century pause*"
The roses are dissipating, Amanda is evil eyeing everyone and Georgia is having an internal meltdown that rivals her car cry. "It's a tease," she says, and I say Moses has no taste if he doesn't pick our commentary queen.
But you'll have to wait till next time to find out because it wouldn't be reality TV if you weren't left hanging.
• The Bachelor New Zealand airs 7.30pm, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday on TVNZ 2.
Can't get enough of The Bachelor NZ on TVNZ 2?
Catch up with ZM's Carwen Jones and Celia Whitley as they break it all down in the official podcast, Can I Steal You For A Second? After each episode airs, join the girls as they do a recap and dissect what's going on. They're the binge-watching friends you never knew you needed.
This article was first published on the NZ Herald and is republished here with permission.