- Publish Date
- Monday, 4 February 2019, 4:20PM
Sex expert Tracey Cox has revealed how to tell if your sex life is in trouble and has shared four solutions for a waning sex life.
Along with giving up smoking and cutting down on booze, there’s another thing you should be giving priority to this year: sorting out problems with your sex life that never seem to go away.
Make this the year you get rid of the things you regularly squabble about – once and for all – with these simple but effective therapist-approved techniques.
But first, take this split-second test to determine if your sex life could really be in trouble ...
TRACEY'S SIMPLE SEX TEST
Can you name the top three places your partner loves to be touched?
Come on, right off the top of your head, without even thinking about it, list off your partner’s three hot zones.
If you don’t know the answer or spend the next few hours struggling to even come up with one or two, your sex life could be in trouble.
Let’s be honest here: if you don’t even know what areas they’d most like stimulated, what chance have you got of being the best lover they ever had?
Truly brilliant lovers also realise these zones can change according to mood, time of the month, stress levels, how tired/happy/drunk we are.
Then, of course, there are female ‘fat days’ to contend with (even supermodels have them). Stroking that secret spot just below her belly button may well make her sigh on thin days, but go anywhere near her stomach when she’s feeling blah/bloated/full up/period/in the grips of PMT hell and you’re likely to get a very different reaction. And that’s putting it nicely.
TRACEY'S FOUR TECHNIQUES
1. The magnet method
If your problem is a sex frequency mismatch, this works a treat.
The main aim is to stop the 'Do they/Don’t they want sex?' daily dilemma which has both of you circling each other, sniffing the air for clues.
It requires zero effort and it’s great for couples that don’t feel comfortable discussing their sexual needs (you’d still be far better off if you did, mind you!)
You need two fridge magnets, easily distinguishable from each other.
Each of you claims a magnet then move it once a day depending on if you do or don’t feel like sex.
If the magnet is close to the top of the fridge, it means you’re extremely interested; if it’s at the bottom, you’d rather be filling in your tax return.
There’s a temptation for the high sex person to leave their magnet at the top of the fridge permanently and the low-desire person to weld theirs to the bottom but you’re actually better off doing the opposite.
If both of you try to resist your 'natural' inclination and deliberately hover in neutral territory (the middle of the fridge), you might find an interesting pattern emerges. The low-desire person - albeit nervously and tentatively – (finally) gets to be the first to instigate sex by inching their magnet above the always-up-for-it person, experiencing a hypnotic twinge of sexual power.
The high desire person (finally) gets the equally exquisite glory of being seduced.
Some couples keep the magnets on the fridge forever, others find after a few months it’s removed the pressure to the point they’re happy verbalising their needs.
2. The I’m-in-charge libido booster
If you’re arguing over who does or doesn’t initiate sex, try this program (for the person who doesn’t initiate).
During the program, your partner remains passive when you initiate sexual contact.
Make it clear they’re not to take it further: simply accept and enjoy what you’re doing to them. It’s important you spell this out or they’ll take over and you’re back to square one!
They also need to give you permission to stop when you want.
Lots of low libido people are too scared to start something, in case they don’t want to follow through, so avoid even kissing their partner because they know they’ll be badgered for sex when all they fancied was a cuddle.
The idea is to get you to relish being the one in control rather than lying back and relying on them to do everything for you.
Initiation sessions don’t need to be long or include intercourse or an orgasm for one or both of you – just involve something sexy.
3. The five-minute clock
If you find your arguments seem to go round and round in circles with neither of you really listening to the other, this simple solution can make all the difference. All you need is the stopwatch on your phone and a quiet place to talk.
The next time you argue, instead of both talking over each other, set the clock for five minutes and try this.
One of you gets to speak while the other stays completely silent and listens intently, trying as much as possible not to react emotionally to what’s being said. When the five minutes is up, the listener repeats back what they think they’ve just been told.
This ensures you actually do listen, rather than spend the time planning what you’re going to say when it’s your turn!
Repeating it back also ensures you really have understood what they were trying to say, rather than what you think you heard.
We all use the same words to mean different things and if you got it wrong, they get the chance to set you right.
Keep going until both of you are totally satisfied you got the message then the other person gets a turn.
This will alleviate stress and resentment in the relationship - which can only help boost your sex life.
4. A lusty lucky dip
I’ve used this technique successfully on lots of long-term couples who want to add sexual spice.
It works a treat because, while it does involve the dreaded ‘P’ word (planning), once you’ve done the initial exercise, it’s spontaneous sex from that point on. Ready? Grab a pen and paper and both of you write down 10 new things you’d like to try.
You can do it there and then or give yourselves a good week to do this properly. Don’t think about what you think your partner will agree to, focus on what you’d like, aiming for a mix of simple ideas to those which take more effort and the not-so-naughty right through to outright wicked!
Once you’ve both completed your lists, swap and go through and approve or disapprove each other’s suggestions.
Most couples end up with about 6 or 7 on each list they’re both happy to try and compromise on the rest.
It’s fine to say no to a suggestion, just be prepared to give specific reasons why you don’t want to try something.
Now rip up the sheets so each suggestion can be folded solo, place them all in a jar and shake them up.
Once a week from now on, one of you picks a slip of paper from the jar and does whatever it says.
The joy of the lusty lucky dip is that both of you feel safe – you know it’s something you’re happy to try - but since you have no idea which of the ideas will be pulled out, it’s unpredictable as well.
This article was first published on Daily Mail and is republished here with permission.