Caroline Cranshaw: How to tell if someone is into you or if you're wasting your time

Photo / Getty

Photo / Getty

The search for love, for most of us, is an arduous journey. The pain of not knowing if someone is into us or not can be one of the most all-consuming, stressful situations we voluntarily get ourselves into. We call our friends constantly, over-analysing every text, conversation and social media post trying to decipher what deep down, we already know but don't want to admit to ourselves.   

I know the person you're into. The one that's so stressed and tired from work, that for right now, needs to focus on their career. They have just been through a horrible breakup, and it's really affected them. Their ex cheated on them, and now they have trust issues. Or as soon as it all calms down, they'll leave their partner, horrible job, move, or be ready to have a relationship.  

This relationship is made up of excuses. The minute you stop making excuses for them, they will vanish from your life. The problem is, most people are cowards and would rather poke their own eyes out than tell you that they are NOT THAT INTO YOU. 

Here's how to tell if someone's really into you or if it's time to move on ...

1. They will call and text you (back)

If someone does not call or text you, or return your messages, they are not interested. If you are a woman and a guy you're interested in doesn't contact you, move on. This is a definite sign that he's not that into you. If a guy is genuinely interested in you, he will text, call, email, or slide into your DM's - just to see how you're doing.  

You can make all the excuses you want for him, but none of them will be the truth. When you're into someone, you look for any reason to contact them, because you are thinking about them and you are curious and interested in their lives. Someone who's interested will text to say hello, good morning, to see how your day's going, or to send you something funny and try to make you laugh.  

2. They will make time to see you

If a guy is interested in someone, he will make every effort to see that person. Sick, working early in the morning, dying grandmother, none of that matters. He will do whatever he can to see you or make plans to see you soon. And women are the same. We want to spend as much time as possible with the person we are attracted to.  

If someone isn't making plans to see you or is making excuses of why they are too busy to hang out, they are not that into you. If someone is treating you like they don't give a crap about you, newsflash, they don't … 

3. They will be persistent

No one likes a stalker, but someone who is interested in you will continue to try to initiate contact until you blatantly reject them. And even then, some people will still continue to pursue you. And do you know why? Because they are into you … 

4. They don't worry about "ruining the friendship"

I hate to tell you, but the whole "I don't want to ruin the friendship" excuse is a load of c**p. It works because it seems so wise and so considerate. Becoming sexually involved could screw up a friendship. Sadly, that excuse has never been used by someone who actually means it. If we are truly into someone, we can't stop ourselves - we want to be more than friends. If we're friends with someone we attracted to, we want to take it further. And please, don't tell me they’re just "afraid." The only thing they're afraid of is how they are NOT attracted to you and they don’t want things to get awkward.  

If someone isn't texting or calling you when they say they will, or making an effort to see you, then you already have your answer. Stop making excuses for them. Actions speak louder than words, and their actions are shouting the truth: THEY ARE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. 

Cut your losses and don't waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating purgatory when you can move on to meet someone who will give you the love and attention you deserve? I know that this is not what you want to hear, but if you stop putting time and energy into people who aren't into you, your love life is going to get a whole lot better.  

Never accept behaviour that you wouldn’t tolerate from a friend. You deserve a relationship with someone who adores you, wants to spend time with you and is proud to be your partner. It’s wasted time trying to figure out what you might have done wrong or what it is they don’t like about you. It doesn’t matter. If someone is treating you like an a-hole, that’s because they are one. Move on… 

If you have a friend who is dating a person who is obviously not into them, here is a way you can tell them. After they have explained a situation where the other person is showing all the signs of not being interested, say: 

"Hey that reminds me of the movie where the girl meets a guy in a bar, they sleep together that night, she texts him and he replies a few times and even talks to her on the phone when she calls but then cancels any plans they make a bunch of times …  

Have you seen that movie? 

No? Me either. Because no one would want to watch that. It’s not a love story. You deserve a love story with a happy ending. And the only way you going to get it is by not accepting bad behaviour from men. I want to see you in a rom-com where you get the great guy in the end. You are the author of your story, so make it a good one …” 

Caroline Cranshaw is a hypnotherapist, founder and trainer at the New Zealand Integrative Hypnotherapy Training Institute and the author of The Smoking Cure. Find out more about her at nzhypnotherapy.co.nz. Listen to Caroline's new podcast WTF Stories & Advice.